by Elizabeth
Davies and David Thomas
(Published
in Just between Us... in July 2001)
Life
is full of surprises, but so it seems is death. We had a huge
surprise when we realised just how significant death was in the faith
experiences of ordinary families. We were expecting people to mention birth,
maybe even prayer, mass or other family celebrations, most specifically
‘good’ times. But death ? However,
respondent after respondent mentioned sickness, death, funerals, mourning, and
bereavement as moments when they felt closest to God.
They weren’t the only times by any means, but the preponderance of this
type of response was stunning – and it wasn’t limited to the older
generation.
Since
we launched Bethany Family Institute last year, our primary work has been
listening to the voices of parents and children about how God is part of their
family life. What we have learned - and continue to learn – will help us, and
others, to be more effective advocates for families. This is especially relevant
in a church that, according to Vatican II, claims it not only wants to, but also
needs to hear from its people in areas where they are competent.
In
that spirit, we have been asking ordinary catholic families of many shapes and
sizes and varieties of belief, just how their ordinary lives and their faith
lives connect. We are happy to share some of our key findings.
The
places most mentioned by families as epiphany times were when new life,
especially connected with the birth of a baby, and its complementary moment,
death happened in the family. These graced moments and others like them are
deeply important to people. They form the heart of their Christian faith.
Whether
they are to the rest of the church, especially its leaders, remains an open
question. So little is mentioned in the public arena of church life about
God’s presence in the family. Families could be forgiven for assuming that God
dwells quite fully in the parish church, but only at a lesser level, if any,
down the street in their own homes.
Both
of us are parents. We have worked in the church as family educators and
ministers. We have noticed that while the Church says wonderful things about the
importance of family life, it does relatively little in a formal sense to
support family vitality and survival. Eventually we realized it was also our
responsibility to do what we could to bring the voice of families into church
conversation. That’s why we created
Our
survey results are based on questionnaires that were filled out during our
workshops, through our website and through parishes that generously volunteered
to assist us in our research.
We
enquired into three areas that we judged to be central to the spiritual life of
the family. First, we asked people how their faith helped them in their family
life. Second, we asked them to describe family moments when they felt close to
God. And finally we invited them to share their thoughts on how the wider church
might help them in their family life. We asked open-ended questions. We wanted
to give people freedom to answer in whatever way they felt best.
In
response to our first question we learned that faith as described by our
respondents is a living faith that
provides needed help in times of difficulty. And those times are many.
The
world of family today is like a huge turbulent sea where survival is always an
issue. Families survive by forgiving, by being more tolerant of differences, be
being strengthened for whatever is being asked at a particular moment. Faith
goes right into the middle of family relationships and provides whatever is
necessary for survival.
Our
results so far give no indication that faith ‘sugarcoats’ real life, nor
does it offer an escape from the hard facts of everyday family life.
In fact, it’s just the opposite. It pushes people to connect, engage
and deal with what’s at hand. In response to Karl Marx’s notion that
religion drugs people into passivity, we found from our families that it’s the
opposite. It opens them up to life as it comes to them, and straightens them to
do whatever they can to make their life together better.
A
surprising number of responses mentioned too how faith accentuated their
positive experiences of family. Celebrations were more vibrant; the recognition
of each other’s beauty was enhanced by allowing the light of faith to augment
the moment.
While
some mentioned attending mass together, or praying together as a family, as
important, the majority chose to respond to our question by applying faith
directly to family relationships. It will be important to see if this emphasis
remains strong as we continue our research. We know there is somewhat of a bias
in our research based on the type of people who chose to respond. Those who
answered our questions were already people of faith. Nevertheless it is
interesting to observe how their faith fits in as part of everyday life.
Our
second question provided an entrance into the religious imagination and
worldview of our respondents. In the hundreds of instances reported, most spoke
of sensing God’s presence in times of difficulty more than in times of ease.
Times of sickness, times of dealing with alcohol and addiction in the family,
and as we mentioned earlier, times of death were the most mentioned occasions
where God was felt to be there.
Birthdays
and other family celebrations were also mentioned. So too were holidays, family
outings and love making. We would like to draw attention especially to the many
responses that mentioned the event of a new child entering the family. The
repeated mentioning of birth moments along with times of terminal illness and
death has something to say as to how the church responds to families both
pastorally and liturgically. This comment moves us directly to our third
question: What can your church do to help you have a more satisfying family
life?
The
most common response was a request that the church be more realistic
about families today. Families come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. One size
does not fit all. In practical terms this response asks church leaders, whether
ordained or lay, to keep abreast of current demographic trends. Know your parish
people and whether they are single, married, separated, divorced or remarried.
Know the range of traditional families of two parents with children,
single-parent families or blended families.
When families are addressed in homilies or parish programmes be sensitive
to the incredible mix of families in every parish.
With
a more nuanced understanding, families of all kinds will be touched and will
open themselves to hearing the word of God coming from the church. People also
asked for more compassion from the church especially toward the divorced and
separated, those caring for children with special needs, those struggling in a
difficult marriage and those families who are straining to simply stay alive.
Be
less prone to being judgmental. Every person wants a great marriage and family
life. Sometimes even the best of efforts fail to reach these results. Rarely is
failure in this area a matter of immorality. It’s more related to human
ability and human frailty and let’s face it, to the enormous difficulty of the
task.
And
because the achievement of even a modicum of family harmony and peace is
difficult, families ask for encouragement. A simple word of support and
understanding from the church can go a long way to help when there’s a family
hurdle to negotiate.
Another
idea cropping up among our responses was that of the church offering reminders
of how important family life really is in the eyes of the church and of God.
People asked for help in their day-to-day struggle to decide what’s really
important and what’s not. In the spiritual life in general, memory plays a
decisive role. We tend to forget. We get distracted. So we need to pull back to
the things which are most important. We all need reminders.
Already
mentioned was that families experience God particularly around the time of birth
and death. The church offers its people sacramental rituals connected with these
times. When people talked about being close to God at church, these were the two
times most frequently mentioned.
Baptisms
and funerals, however, are usually scheduled during the in-between time of
parish life. Sometimes they are felt as intrusions on an already crowded parish
schedule. Sometimes they don’t receive much pastoral attention. But here’s
the point. For family people, these are the big moments. This is when lasting impressions and
memories are formed. This is when people are really open to God’s grace
driving deeply into their consciousness.
And
it’s not just the way the various rituals are celebrated, but the preparation
is also important. This is when impressions of the church start forming. These
are major opportunities for evangelization. These are significant occasions
where God’s inviting grace may be calling back people into the active fold of
the church. Family evangelization must be an important part of any successful New
Evangelization.
To
conclude, our findings indicate that the Christian life is definitely a part of
the life of many families. It survives largely on its own. The language it uses
is mostly homegrown. But we believe it could be so much better if the parish and
diocesan church were more attuned to what’s happening in ordinary families. We
assume there’s a will to do this. Our research findings suggest some ways to
do it.
We
found no complaints about the church in our survey. But we did find a hope on
the part of families that the church be more understanding, more supportive and
simply more aware of its families, both in their celebrations and their
struggles. In recent years the church has created a new language having to do
with evangelization, catechesis and ministry. We are truly at a crossroads in
the history of the church. We have gone from a church that survived by
convention and custom to a church that must be re-created almost every day.
If
all of this new awareness of mission for the new Millennium fails to take into
account a major role for families, the Lord’s construction advice to build on
rock will have been missed. For he especially advised building on a firm
foundation. The church has been called a family of families.
It was that way in its very beginning. It will only survive if it serves
its own foundational building blocks, which are its messy, yet ultimately
magnificent families.
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